How to talk to your partner about urinary incontinence - Blood + Milk
talk to your partner about urinary incontinence

How to talk to your partner about urinary incontinence

Suffering from incontinence is made worse by society’s taboo surrounding bodily fluids. The shame and silence accompanying this condition make it a challenging and uncomfortable topic to discuss with anyone, especially a romantic partner. Yet partners can be incredible allies, providing support and encouragement.

If you’re ready to talk to your partner about urinary incontinence, here is a step by step guide to do just that with the least amount of awkwardness or embarrassment.

Before the Talk

Do your research

Learn how incontinence will impact all aspects of your relationship. Talk to your healthcare providers, seek out blogs and research articles on the topic, and also reflect on your personal experiences. It may help to write down talking points to guide your conversation and ground you if you get in your feels.

Think about how your partner best receives information

Do they resonate more with personal experiences? Facts and figures? Figure out what will help them to best understand the information, then share it in that way.

Gather tools to help you stay present

Do you have a beloved talisman like a crystal, goddess card, stuffed animal, etc?  Are there tinctures that help you feel connected? How about an essential oil blend that you can diffuse? Gather whatever it is you use to ground yourself.

Reflect on your boundaries and what you want and need

Journal, meditate, pray, or move your body on why you are telling your partner, what you’d like to happen as a result of the conversation, and how you want your partner to support you.

Some questions to consider:

  • How active of a role do you want them to take in your healthcare?
  • When you experience a leak, how would you like them to react? What would feel most supportive?
  • In general, how do you want them to approach this issue?

Some of these answers will come through trial and error, but spending time reflecting on them in advance helps the conversation move along.

Choose a time to talk when you can both be present

Right before bed or in the midst of your busiest week probably isn’t the best time. Here are some recommended alternatives:

  • After sex
  • Right after you wake up on a lazy weekend morning
  • In the car
  • Over dinner

Assume the best

If this is an established partner, think about all the tough conversations you’ve already had with them about money, politics, sex, the state of your union, and more. This is simply another one. Someone new? Trust that this is something they can handle.

During the Talk

Start the conversation the right way

Let them know there’s something you want to talk about and that’s it’s sensitive, awkward, or whatever emotion feels alive for you.

From there, address what they know.  Are they aware you’ve been having issues? Did they comment on increased trips to the bathroom? Are they completely oblivious?

Then tell them about your experience thus far and how it’s impacting your life. Use the resources you prepared to stress the impact of this on your life and the relationship.

Let them know how they can support you

Would you prefer they ignore it? Make jokes? Check-in regularly? Carry extra underwear in their bags? Do you want them to offer you suggestions or defer to you in all things or something in between?

If you don’t know the answers to these questions, that’s OK! Share what feels true in this moment, and recognize it will change over time.

Encourage them to do their own research and emotional labor

Repeat after me: It is not my job to support my partner’s emotional responses to my incontinence (or any other health issues).

Often in relationships—especially heterosexual ones—the sick person ends up managing their own emotions, their health issue, and their partner’s feelings. That’s not fair to anyone, especially the person struggling.

This doesn’t mean avoid vulnerable conversations about the impacts your incontinence has on your relationship and life and both of your feelings about it.

It means your partner needs to find their emotional center of gravity around this issue, both in the moment and on a larger scale. This can take many different forms but some include: seeking out a support group, online forum, or therapist; calling timeout during a conversation if they notice themselves getting activated; and, respecting your boundaries.

Encourage them to get their own support

Dealing with health issues exhausts everyone involved. Make sure you both have supports beyond each other to lean on when one or both of you is at capacity. Digital support counts! There are thriving online communities dedicated to every type of health issue, including blogs, social media campaigns, and more.

Be honest about your feelings

Don’t shy away from being real and raw about how your incontinence makes you feel, as well as how your partner’s words and actions impact that. Understand that a lot of it is your mindset (how you feel about your incontinence and also how you feel about how you feel) but they certainly can create a better context in which to feel your feels.

After the Talk

Consider bringing them to a pelvic floor physical therapy appointment

Pelvic floor PT is an increasingly common treatment for incontinence. Bringing your partner for a visit or two can help them understand/give them new ways to support you. Sometimes it also helps to have, and/or is easier to hear information from, an objective third party—who society deems as an expert. Same goes for other healthcare appointments.

Don’t let all your conversations become about the incontinence

It’s easy for healthcare issues to consume your time together. It impacts every part of your life, after all. Agree to create intentional space for other topics that you usually talk about. If you struggle with this, try doing an all-consuming activity like a movie that gives you something to talk about.

Consider a regular relationship check-in

Whether this is weekly or monthly, this is a chance for you and your partner(s) to connect on how you both feel, what’s going well, and what you’d like to work on.  

Plus, as your incontinence, and your feelings towards it, change, what you need might change too. Regular check-ins help you stay on top of your shifting needs and desires.

Urinary incontinence is one more challenge for you and your partner to solve together

These steps will help you approach it as a team, support each other in the healthiest way possible, and grow stronger as a result.

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