Ella* asks: How do I have a vaginal orgasm and how to keep getting it? Not clitoral.
In my near decade as a sex educator, this is one of the most common questions I hear from people with vulvas**. Some want to experience all their body’s gifts. Others feel pressured to by society or their partner(s).
Whatever your reason, Ella, vaginal orgasms let you experience pleasure in a new way and enhance intimacy. Here are some steps to experience one—and to keep it coming (literally).
Know your vagina’s most sensitive spots
That would be your G-spot (learn how to guide your partner to it here), cervix, and A-spot.
Let’s get this out of the way: YES! Your G-spot exists. We aren’t sure what exactly it is and it might be more of a zone than an x-marks-the-spot, but for many people with vulvas, there’s an area on the frontal vaginal wall—that’s the belly-button side of your vagina—that, when stimulated, brings you oodles of pleasure.
Your cervix is the lowest part of your uterus that protrudes into your vagina. It feels a bit like the tip of your nose.
Your A-spot, also known as the anterior fornix or AFE, is an arch located just in front of your cervix. This more recently discovered spot, when stimulated, can quickly turn you on and get you wet.
Use the right kind of stimulation
Spoiler: quick and fast thrusts usually won’t do it. Instead you want slow, smooth, steady pressure. It may help you to think about how you enjoy having your clitoris played with and mimic that internally.
For the G-spot, you may need a lot of pressure—about as much as you enjoy during a shoulder massage! Your partner’s fingers or a heavy dildo like the Njoy Pure Wand may work better than a penis.
For your cervix, it’s best to get really turned on first or else it may feel uncomfortable. Your cervix also changes positions and sensitivity throughout your cycle, even if you’re on hormonal birth control. Generally avoid stimulating it right before and during your period.
For your A-spot, think slow, deep thrusts with some back and forth motion versus in-and-out. Because it’s so close to your cervix, the same precautions apply.
How to have an orgasm: Assume the position
The best positions for hitting any of these spots are ones that let your partner’s penis press up against the front vaginal wall. Think: doggy style, spooning, or any variation of reverse cowgirl.
Take your damn time
Real talk: it can take up to 40 minutes for a person with a vulva to become fully aroused—and just as long to experience a vaginal orgasm. Take the time to get really turned on. Once you find a position and type of stimulation that feels good, keep doing it to build your pleasure.
Adjust your expectations
Vaginal and clitoral orgasms don’t necessarily feel the same. Often vaginal orgasms feel subtle at first. They’re deeper and less explosive, and build if you stick with it.
Breathe into your pussy
As your pleasure builds, think about taking deep breaths all the way into your genitals. This will shift your focus there, heighten your sensation, and make you more likely to experience orgasm. You may also try breathing just through your nose as this engages your core and pelvic floor differently.
Strengthen your brain-vagina connection
Many people with vulvas are really disconnected from them. This isn’t a surprise given the shame and silencing that we experience, as well as the fact that experiencing an orgasm from clitoral stimulation is often easier.
Regardless, you want to teach your brain that your vagina can be a source of pleasure too. That means increasing how often you masturbate using internal stimulation and playing with your clitoris less, if at all. How strict you get with this depends on a lot of personal factors like how and how often you self-pleasure, why you want to experience a vaginal orgasm, and more. For example, one of my counseling clients found that simply avoiding using her vibrator a few days before intercourse let her experience vaginal orgasms. Meanwhile, another client had to stop touching her clitoris at all for several weeks in order to experience vaginal orgasm.
Heal tension, pain, and trauma
Many people with vulvas hold a lot of stress in them. Physically, that means having a tight pelvic floor—the hammock of muscles in and around your vagina and anus that support your core and internal organs, and contract when you experience orgasm—and possibly pain with penetration.
If this is the case, I recommend working with a pelvic floor physical therapist. If that’s not possible, you can use your fingers or a dildo to find points of tension or pain in your vagina. Gently apply pressure, taking deep breaths, until it relaxes.
Create the right context
You’ll get the best results if you combine these physical techniques with the right context. For most people that’s low stress, high trust, and high affection.
You can experience a vaginal orgasm
It may take time and patience, and not feel exactly like what you expected. But if you let go of pressure to do it “right”, and embrace experiencing as much pleasure as possible, you’ll discover just how much joy your body can give you.
Your Partner in Passion,
Want me to answer your sex questions? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.
*Names have been changed.
**Using language like this acknowledges that not all people with certain genitals are the gender that was assigned to them based on those genitals. Some men have vaginas, some women have penises, and some people with vaginas identify as neither male nor female.