How to Close the Orgasm Gap in Your Life
Pleasure is not equitable today. Women are taught not to prioritize their own sexual pleasure. Straight women are only orgasming about 65 percent of the time, while the stat is 95 percent for straight men. Most women don’t orgasm during penetrative sex alone.
Being able to orgasm the same amount your partner does, talk openly about our bodies, and enjoy sex is a matter of equity. Women deserve equal pay AND equal orgasms.
Women aren’t taught to prioritize their pleasure. When women are first taught about sex, they hear that it will probably hurt the first time and that they may bleed. The expectation becomes that women may not enjoy sex, much less orgasm. Later in life, this can lead to sex becoming something to “get through” rather than something to enjoy.
In sex education, sex is often defined narrowly, focusing on penetrative penis-in-vagina sex. Most men have no problem orgasming with penetration alone, so the expectation is often that women should respond in kind with earth-shattering orgasms moments after penetration. But that’s just not how most women work. Only 20 percent of women are able to orgasm from penetration alone.
It’s sad that we often only talk about female sexuality when it comes to sexual violence. Of course it’s important to talk about violence against women but, this often then associates female sexuality with fear and danger. Equitable, pleasurable sex will lead to less gender discrimination and less sexual violence. Women deserve to be treated not as sexual objects but as beings worthy of sexual pleasure.
How can we close the orgasm gap?
Taking control of your pleasure is complicated. It can require letting go of shame and feeling empowered to communicate your needs. Juicebox coaches help women let go of insecurities and feel more confident during sex, along with more tangible tips for orgasming:
1. Understand your own body
One of the most common— and frustrating— issues for women is learning how to orgasm. The single best thing you can do to learn how to orgasm is practice touching yourself in a variety of ways.
Some people enjoy using their fingers on their clits because you get more biofeedback when you’re able to feel the way your clit responds to your fingers and vice versa.
Other women may have more success using vibrators. Vibrators come in a wide range of shapes, sizes, and specialties. Some “bullet” type vibrators are small and create a light, gentle sensation. Others, like the Magic Wand are incredibly strong and thrummy. Consider trying a few different styles to see which kind you like best.
Explore touching other parts with your free hand, to increase the pleasure, like your breasts or ass. Increase both the clenching and stimulation.
Remember, you’re not broken if you have a hard time reaching orgasm or learning how to orgasm. The truth is, some people come into coming quite easily, and others struggle with it.
2. Take your time
Women’s bodies take longer than men’s to warm up and get ready for sex. This is just a fact of physiology. The problem is that many of us feel pressure to “keep up” with our partners’ arousal patterns. So when he’s hard, we feel pressure to be ready for penetration right away. Instead, give yourself time to relax into your pleasure. Don’t rush your arousal, and don’t let your partner rush you either.
Many women have a tendency to clench and hold their breath the closer they get to orgasm. Your nerves need oxygen to work. So keep breathing. Deep belly breaths are a wonderful way to oxygenate your blood while you explore sensation.
4. Advocate for your pleasure
Talk to your partner about what you need from them to reach your excited state. Share your experiences from masturbating. Odds are it’s a good amount of foreplay, cunnilingus, dirty talk, and clitoral touch. If your partner isn’t confident about their skills, encourage them to expand their skillset so you can both have a wonderful time together.
We are given incredible bodies and minds capable of love and pleasure. We only have one life to fully explore what is possible, what we are capable of, to let go of our inhibitions and truly authentically reveal ourselves and connect at the deepest level. Isn’t is worth trying?
To learn more about working with Juicebox sex & relationship coach from your phone, download the iPhone app.
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Author Bio Brianna Rader is the CEO/Co-Founder of Juicebox, the first mobile resource for sex and relationships. She built a network of sex and relationship coaches that are accessible through an iPhone app, allowing anyone to get personalized and affordable sex and relationship coaching from vetted counselors and educators. She's worked in sex education for 6 years and received her Masters in Global Health. Her career started by founding a local sex education organization in Tennessee, which led to a battle with the TN state legislature and her legal condemnation. You can follow her work at @juiceboxapp on Instagram or contact her directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.