At every workshop I’ve taught over the last decade, someone has asked a version of this question:
What do I do if he comes too quickly?
It’s usually paired with other questions about helping their partner last longer and reaching their own orgasm more quickly.
There’s a difference between coming too quickly for you and premature ejaculation (PE)
At some point in their life, about 1 in 3 people with penises will ejaculate sooner during
intercourse than they or their partner would like. A diagnosis of PE usually happens if said person:
- Always or almost always ejaculates within one minute of penetration
- Cannot delay ejaculation all or most of the time
- Feels distressed and frustrated, and avoids all forms of sex
I don’t share this to diminish your frustration about this issue.
Take a look at the rest of your sex life
Are you satisfied in other areas? Do you spend enough time on foreplay? Are there deeper relationship issues at work? Have you incorporated toys? Are you getting your pleasure?
Rather than focus solely on your partner coming too quickly, use this problem as an opportunity to turn towards each other, expand your sex life, and deepen your connection.
As their partner, do your best to avoid laughing or lashing out at them. Yes, it happens—in relationships and on a larger scale in the form of jokes and memes.
There’s no denying this is frustrating AF. Thankfully, there are lots of things you can do to help them last longer in bed—individually and together.
13 Ways to Help Them Last Longer in Bed
- Get your pleasure first! In other words: spend more time on the sex acts that bring you pleasure first, especially if it takes you a while to experience orgasm from intercourse. This way you’ll be satisfied and less worried about them lasting.
- Focus on maximizing pleasure, not orgasm. Orgasms feel fabulous but the benefits of experiencing pleasure—less stress, more connection, better sleep, etc—come regardless of whether that pleasure ends in an explosion.
- Change your idea of when sex “ends.” Instead of ejaculation marking the end of sex, keep going with other sex acts. Fun fact: people with penises can experience multiple orgasms (if not multiple ejaculations), especially if you play with their ass.
- Use a cock ring. Erections happen when blood fills the penis. Cock rings work by ensuring that blood stays in the penis, versus draining out and leaving them limp. Depending on how sensitive they are, choose one with or without vibrations.
- Use a vibrator to help you experience orgasm more quickly. It’s always faster with a toy you can position and set to the exact speed you want. Want a hands-free solution? Try a vibrating cock ring (we heart this one)—it’s helps them last longer and you get yours more quickly.
- Try the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT). Instead of thrusting, CAT relies on rocking or grinding. To get into it, start in missionary. Once they enter, have them scoot up a bit higher. Have your knees bent or wrap them around their body or ankles. For motion, think pelvis-to-pelvis rather than in-and-out. They also can keep still while you rotate your hips.
- Have them practice ejaculation control. During masturbation, they should bring themselves just to the point of no return. Once there, they can either stop or squeeze the tip of their penis, while taking deep breaths and letting their arousal decrease. Once that happens, they start stimulating themselves again, rinse, and repeat. This helps them identify when they get too excited so they can pause during intercourse and, eventually, last longer.
- Address underlying sexual concerns. The body and mind are connected. Sometimes the cause—and solution—of them not lasting longer in bed is mental rather than physical. The first time they come too quickly, it’s not a big deal and can be brushed off. If it keeps happening, it gets harder and harder to not internalize it. Add to that the silencing and shame we as a society heap upon all people, especially performance anxiety that gets heaped upon masculine-presenting individuals, and you have the perfect storm for getting stuck. Having a comfortable space to talk about what’s going on and get personalized feedback and evidence-based action steps is a powerful way to address premature ejaculation. Most therapists, even couples or marriage ones, have limited sex education. Instead, work with a sex educator or therapist.
- Have them practice using lube when they masturbate. Lube increases sensation. By using it during masturbation, it could help make the feeling of a vagina or anus less novel and stimulating. Our recommendation? This silicone one from Migliori. It’s super slippery and a little goes a long way!
- Use condoms. Some people with penises report condoms reduce sensation. While research shows this does not impact overall sexual satisfaction, it works in your favor here. There even are desensitizing or performance-enhancing options.
- Have them practice relaxation strategies. If they know performance anxiety is underneath their premature ejaculation, they can practice deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or these mindfulness techniques for better sex.
- Try Promescent. Developed by a urologist, Promescent is a topical medication directly applied to the penis that safely helps people last longer. Simply apply it 5-10 minutes before sex and expect to last 50 percent longer or more.
- Talk to their doctor and explore prescription medications. Medication is usually a last resort, as the other techniques listed here have an abundance of research backing them. However, some people do benefit from medications such as antidepressants (they delay orgasm, which is an improvement in this case), analgesics, and even erectile dysfunction medication.
Premature ejaculation doesn’t have to ruin your sex life
Frustrating as it is, orgasm and penetration are only one part of having an intimate, exciting, and fulfilling sex life. When you let go of expectations and lean into your desires, you find freedom in pleasure and have more satisfying sex.