Ask Kait: How to Talk Dirty in Bed
What are some ways to get your partner to talk to you during sex?
I don’t think you meant it like this, but the term “get” stuck out to me. We never want to “get” our partners to do anything. Strong relationships rely on open communication like clearly stating your desires and needs, not convincing someone else to do what we want.
Assuming that’s what you meant, here are some ideas to help your partner open up during sex.
Get clear on what you want
The first step in asking for what you want is understanding it. Journal, meditate, or otherwise reflect on questions like these:
- Why do you want them to talk to you during sex?
- What will it mean if they do?
- What does it mean if you don’t?
When you have a clearer understanding as to why you want something, it lets you anticipate and plan for unexpected Big Feels during the conversation with your partner.
Once you’ve done that, figure out what you want them to say to you during sex
Generally, there are three ways to talk during sex:
- Sexy Talk. I prefer the term “sexy talk” to “dirty talk” because I believe the words that we use influence our values. If we believe something is dirty, we perpetuate that shame within ourselves and our partner(s). Sexy talk includes things like describing what you want them to do to you (or vice versa).
- Sharing Fantasies is an amazing way to get turned on, connect more deeply with your beau(s), and even experience orgasm. This isn’t the same as role-playing, but it does involve talking through a scenario that excites one or both of you.
- Giving Feedback. Telling them what you like and what you’d like them to change. This is a skill set in itself! In the moment, stick to encouragement, whether that’s to continue (e.g. omg that feels so good, don’t stop!) or to return or start something new (e.g. it would feel amazing if you…).
Have a conversation outside of the proverbial bedroom
Use this article as an excuse to introduce the topic, and let them know you’d be interested in being more vocal in the bedroom, and how would they feel about that? It’s important to avoid yes/no questions since they shut down the conversation real fast.
Read more: How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner
What should you talk about? What you want, how each of you feels about it, and how to make it happen, including reaching any compromises.
Really listen to any objections they share. Often people report feeling silly or cheesy talking dirty/talking during sex. Or they’re intimidated about what to say. Find solutions together.
Remember: everyone has different expectations and experiences for sex. Plus, boatloads of shame and embarrassment. Work with each other to find a way to make this work for you.
Start slow and give it time
Things rarely go according to plan the first time you try something new. Instead, you have to build your self-efficacy, a fancy word for the belief that you can do it. So start with a few words and build your way up. Be there each other through the slip-ups and embarrassing moments, and laugh them off. This entire adventure will be a beautiful inside joke to share down the line.
Featured image by Sharon McCutcheon
Author Bio Kait Scalisi, MPH, is an advocate for the revolutionary power of pleasure inside the bedroom and out. Through her public workshops, private counselling, and online platform Passion By Kait, she harnesses her science education, social justice insight, and radical empathy to empower folx to get more in tune with their bodies, discover what brings them pleasure, and integrate it into their lives and relationships in ways that are both practical and powerful. Learn more and find #freedominpleasure at PassionbyKait.com, Instagram and Twitter @PassionbyKait, and Facebook www.facebook.com/PassionbyKait.