Ask Kait: How to Ask for What You Want in the Moment
I’m fairly new to the sex game because I’m a late bloomer. One [guy] that I made out with wanted to mutually mastutbate. I was fine with it because I wasn’t gonna have penetrative sex with him on the second date. At some point, I asked him to ejaculate on me, specifically the chest/stomach area. He asked if I was sure, and I confirmed. He was happy to do so, and cleaned me up afterwards.
I ask because this was the first time I asked a guy to do this, and it’s something I guessed would turn me on. (I was right.) I didn’t expect this guy to re-confirm or ask me if I was certain about my request, which makes me wonder, do most women (that you know) not do this??? And, although I’m taking a break from men for awhile, how do I bring this up the next time I’m being intimate with someone? ( I appreciated that the aforementioned guy double-checked with my request, but he did it in a way that made it seemed as if he was surprised by my ask. I low-key felt weird at that point but we proceeded. ) How do I bring this up with my future mate (whoever that is) without them possibly thinking I may be “weird”?
First of all—WAY TO GO honoring your boundaries, trying new things, and asking for what you want! This isn’t easy to do.
Wanting to be ejaculated on is a fairly common sexual desire
A recent survey of 740 heterosexual individuals found nearly 50 percent of women choose their chest and abdomen as their preferred spot to being ejaculated on. The authors don’t tell us many details about the study design like how they recruited participants, so I can’t speak to the quality of their study.
Anecdotally, many of my counseling clients, colleagues, and friends enjoy being ejacultated on. A tiny survey on my own Twitter corroborated this: two-thirds of respondents said yes. It was at 50/50 for a while though!
We all suck at talking about sex
As a society, we’re just starting to learn how to talk about sex in a way that affirms rather than pressures; that excites rather than ruins the moment.
Maybe your directness surprised him in a good way a la “REALLY?! This thing I enjoy brings you pleasure too?!” Maybe he worried about you feeling pressured or obligated. Maybe he just didn’t hear your first answer.
Whatever the reason, I’m happy he tried—and even happier you recognized that there have to be better ways to talk about this stuff!
How to share your desires in the moment
Here are seven ways to talk about sex, while you’re having it, without feeling awkward:
- Ask permission. “Do you want me to…?” “Can I…?” “Would it feel good if I…”
- Give guidance. You know, “A little to the left.” and “I want you to…”
- Express appreciation. “I love it when you…!” and “Thank you, baby…that was fantastic.”
- Ask if they like what you’re doing. “Does that feel good?” and “Did you like it when I…?” and “How does this feel to you?”
- Give positive suggestions. “I love when you do x,” and “Please more y!” and “I need…” and “Oh god keep doing that!”
- Talk dirty. “Yes, harder!” and “Fuck me now!” and “You like this, don’t you?”
- Tell your partner if something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or you feel triggered. Let them know and pause (or stop) immediately to readjust, talk it out, or take time for self-care.
In the future, when it gets to that point, you can say something like, “It would be so hot if you came on my tits” or “I want to feel your cum on my stomach.”
You also can talk about it outside of the bedroom! Before things heat up, especially with a new partner, is a great time to go over things like your STD status, birth control, and sexual preferences. Need some help getting that conversation started? Check out these tips.
You and your desires are worthy
Before I close, I want to affirm that your desire isn’t weird and any partner who implies otherwise isn’t someone you shouldn’t be physically intimate with!
I also want to invite you to examine your worry. What belief—about sex, yourself, your body, etc—elicited this fear about being perceived as weird?
All the tips and tricks won’t make a difference until you address your feelings, and find acceptance and #freedominpleasure.
I don’t mean that you’ll never feel awkward or weird having sex, but that you’ll know beyond a doubt that your desires are valid and worthy. That you are valid and worthy. Then, when the awkward moments happen, you can more easily integrate them.
Lastly, remember that no two people are absolutely compatible. Successful relationships don’t require you to have all the same desires and dislikes, but rather a willingness to share and explore. Whether it’s sex acts, food, or vacation destinations, you’ll run into situations where one of you likes it and the other doesn’t. At that point, you can decide: “is this a deal-breaker?” If so, maybe that isn’t the right relationship for you. If not, you may just need to try again.
Featured image by Sweet Ice Cream Photography
Author Bio Kait Scalisi, MPH, is an advocate for the revolutionary power of pleasure inside the bedroom and out. Through her public workshops, private counselling, and online platform Passion By Kait, she harnesses her science education, social justice insight, and radical empathy to empower folx to get more in tune with their bodies, discover what brings them pleasure, and integrate it into their lives and relationships in ways that are both practical and powerful. Learn more and find #freedominpleasure at PassionbyKait.com, Instagram and Twitter @PassionbyKait, and Facebook www.facebook.com/PassionbyKait.